Diagnosis

A diagnosis of Autism.

9 years ago…It’s taken 9 years to get here. 

I was devastated.  Those words.  That moment.  Time stood still.  My face burned and I felt tears fall uncontrollably.  I had failed my son.  3 years into his little life and I’d failed.  My body failed him; I failed him.  I fell hard into a hole.  It took a long time to find my way out.  9 years. I think I might be coming around about it all.

The first few years were forms on forms on forms.  Checking boxes- “sometimes”, “always”, “never”.  Words that now make me lock up…words that are just words but for so long had so much power.  I still shutter and have wiped those words from my vocabulary.

Doctors that slow-rolled us with the “wait and see”, Psychologists who stammered “such a shame”.  It’s eye-opening…the medical field.  I always placed so much value and put them on a pedestal as “all-knowing”.  In the world of Autism…unless you are in it, you aren’t in it.  Autism stripped the “all knowing” attributes from the doctors we visited.  They were ordinary people…people with no experience to help us, no idea what to say, no way to relate.

In those moments, in those days, weeks, months and years…you learn a lot about yourself.  You can say the system is broken and be a victim which in turn makes your child a victim or you knock every door down and fight like hell to get your child the care he needs. 

I fought.  We fought.  We are in a better position today but it isn’t perfect.  That’s a conversation for another day.

Today I choose to see the light and share our struggles, triumphs and our life through the blue veil.